On October 15th 1988, President Ronald Reagan Proclaimed October as National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. “When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, their isn’t a word to describe them. This month recognizes the loss so many parents experience across the United States and around the world. It is also meant to inform and provide resources for parents who have lost children due to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, stillbirths, birth defects, SIDS, and other causes." Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Let's recognize and remember our babies' precious, yet short lives, by lighting a candle in honor and memory of all the babies whose lives ended way too soon
This is day I did not know existed until just a few months ago. This is one of those subjects that a lot of people do not like to talk about. But if you have followed my blog for very long you will know that I have had several losses. Just in May this year was my last lost. This made 4 losses. All of these babies I know are in Heaven and I will see them one day. As you also may know we are expecting again. It has been a very scary time this pregnancy I am actually unsure at this very moment if our baby is alive. My faith in God I know that whatever happens He loves me.
I thought I would share a little about each loss that we have had. Our first loss well was when I was still in high school. I know that we were sinning but as a teenager with no boundaries I pretty much could do as I pleased and well did. We became pregnant and was thrown into a shot gun wedding. Well a few weeks before the wedding we lost the baby. We lost the baby just days before I started my senior year of high school. As I walked into the house from being in the E.R the first thing my dad said to me “well guess the weddings off!” I cried even more but he was right I should not be married my senior year of high school.
We then had our beautiful daughter Brooke a couple of years later (after marriage) We then decided when she was about 1 1/2 we should try again. It took a few months but became pregnant and I started to bleed just a few weeks after we found out. It was so scary because it was nothing like before and I was in so much pain. The doctors said “let nature take its coarse” Well it never did I ended up in the hospital with emergency surgery. In and out of conciseness and hearing someone saying as they were willing me into the OR as the alarms are going off “were loosing her!” I woke up in the recovery room not even sure if I was alive but I was PRAISE THE LORD!!
A few months passed and we tried again and we were so excited. Yet the same thing happened. The pain was horrible and I remember laying on the couch hoping that “nature would take it course” watching T.V. I remember this the news came on during my soap “Days of our Lives” about the Columbine (hope I spelled that right) shooting” It was so sad I was crying like crazy. Brooke was at Vince wonderful moms because I was on some heavy pain killers so I was in and out of it. That night I ended up in the hospital again but this time it was before it was almost too late. I demanded a D&C. They did the ultra sound and the baby had a heart beat so they admitted me and just pumped me full of fluids and kept checking for heart beat every hour or two. I refused the D&C if the baby was alive. So we had to wait for my baby to die. That was such a sad night laying there waiting for my baby to die.
We then had 3 wonderful boys! After finding out I have low progesterone. SO I take medicine and that seemed to fix everything. Well that was not at all true. After Croix I knew I wanted more and well Vince was done but a few years later he was very open to the idea. We decided not to try but not to not to try and it was in God’s hands. Well it took until Croix was 5 1/2 we found out we were expecting again. I was so excited and surprised . I was very very grumpy and just didn’t want to be around any one and a friend of mine told me to take a test. Well I did and there were 2 pink lines! I started my medicine and thought all was fine. I was 12 weeks and stopped taking my meds just like I was told. I started spotting the next day. I went in and found the baby was gone. They yet again told us to “let nature take its course” We found out by measuring that the baby had passed a few weeks before then. I had been having dreams for a while at that point and knew we were having a girl with some kind of disability. I had prepared myself for this and was at peace and was happy to have this blessing. But God chose to take her. I believe that He took her because she would not of survived. So I went home to wait yet again for our baby to pass and I yet again was in so much pain. I waited and waited. I then asked Vince to take the kids somewhere because the pain was so bad I could not help but moan. I knew this would scare the kids. He took them to my moms and in the time he left to the time he came back I was bleeding so much and the pain I could not handle. Vince walked in the house and he knew it was time to go. This was the most painful loss I have had. I don’t remember much but flashes of what happened.
Now we are expecting again. I have been in pain most of this pregnancy and I was told that it is because of all of my c-sections (4) that I have had which is causing the pain. Only God knows if we will be blessed this time or not with a baby. I have faith in Him completely. He loves me and He wants all his children to be happy. He will bless us if not with a child but the blessing He gives us daily. This is our last time that we will be pregnant so I do pray this baby will be born and we will get to raise him or her to be a God fearing and loving person.
I pray for all of you that are reading and have had a loss. No matte how far along you were the loss of a baby is so hard. It is okay for you to cry and grieve. We must remember that God has them with Him in His loving arms. They are with Him. This should give us some peace but I know it does not heal the hole in our hearts. Each baby is a life given to us by our creator.
I do have to say that me writing this down into words has helped me in so many ways. Thru sadness there is healing.